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Warfield Haynes and the Bindle of Gold, Chapter 1
The following is a partial text log of the 1982 Infocom text adventure game Warfield Haynes and the Bindle of Gold. It was discovered on the terminal of an Infocom employee who committed ritualistic suicide using a 300 baud modem. Though the log remained, the game program itself was never found.
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You are playing banjo on the train tracks. The smell of pie wafts through the air and a hand made of its scent beckons you toward.
>go to pie
The pie is resting on a windowsill. Cherry or apple? Only examination will tell.
>look at pie
It is an apple pie.
>grab pie
Your fingers are burnt. The gall of you to touch a hot pie tin while wearing fingerless gloves.
>open bindle
You open your bindle. It contains a small knife, a large knife, a daguerreotype of a high society lady you once fondled yourself to, and a can of tuna bile.
>use large knife to slide pie onto back of upturned banjo
You slide the pie onto the back of the banjo. Now you cannot play the banjo without dropping your pie. Mrs. Favershorb sees you take her pie. She looses Woodrow Wilson the dog upon you.
>throw pie at dog
DO NOT UNDERSTAND COMMAND
>throw pie at Woodrow Wilson the dog
You use the banjo as if a catapult, launching the pie at Woodrow Wilson the dog. It is incapacitated. Mrs. Favershorb hollers for a constable.
>run
You can run to the dirty ol’ bog, or Mount Satannus of the Hellwarp Chasm.
>run to bog
You run to the bog, your shoeless feet entangling themselves in the thick moss. By the river, you disturb the royal march of Toko Toko, King of the Crawdads. He demands tribute, lest his mighty pincers crush upon your testicles like so many walnuts in so many vises.
>use can of tuna bile
Toko Toko is touched by your gift of bile, his favorite larvalhood treat. He offers you his daughter, the crawdad princess Sho Xan. She is rich with mucus, her egg sacs bountiful and endless.
>reject princess
Toko Toko begs you reconsider. By rejecting the princess you will shatter the covenant between man and crawdad, resulting in a thousand year war which will consume the planet and result in the dwindling human resistance turning the continent of Asia into a giant steampot.
>accept princess
You jerk off onto a crawdad’s shell.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
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